猫咪社区

Three months into the pandemic, I had the urge to see my 28-year-old daughter and her husband, 2,000 miles away. She had weathered an acute health crisis, followed by community protests that propelled them both onto the streets to serve food and clean up neighborhoods. They were coping, but the accumulation of challenges made the mom in me want to connect with and support them. So, together with my husband, my other daughter, and her husband, our family of six adults and two dogs formed a new pod inside my daughter鈥檚 home in the steamy heat of the Minneapolis summer.

As I packed, a wisp of doubt crept in. We six hadn鈥檛 lived together under the same roof, ever. Would I blow it? Would I 鈥渇lap my lips,鈥� as a friend calls it, and accidentally say something hurtful? Some time back, in a careless moment of exhaustion, I had insulted my brand-new son-in-law with a thoughtless remark. He was rightfully hurt, and it took a long letter and a phone call to get us back on track.

My own siblings and I were raised inside the intractable rupture that was my parents鈥� marriage. Their lifelong conflict sowed discord and division in everyone around them. I worked hard to create a different, positive family climate with my husband and our children. My old ghosts were haunting me, though, and I didn鈥檛 want to ruin a good thing. 

Yet research shows that it鈥檚 not realistic, or possible, or even healthy to expect that our relationships will be harmonious all the time. Everything we know from developmental science and research on families suggests that rifts will happen鈥攁nd what matters more is how you respond to them. With many families spending more time together than ever now, there are ample opportunities for tension and hurt feelings. These moments also offer ample invitations to reconnect.

Disconnections Are a Fact of Life

Researcher Ed Tronick, together with colleague Andrew Gianino, calculated how often infants and caregivers are attuned to each other. (Attunement is a back-and-forth rhythm of interaction where partners share positive emotions.) They  that it鈥檚 surprisingly little. Even in healthy, securely attached relationships, caregivers and babies are in sync only 30% of the time. The other 70%, they鈥檙e mismatched, out of sync, or making repairs and coming back together. Cheeringly, even babies work toward repairs with their gazes, smiles, gestures, protests, and calls.

These mismatches and repairs are critical, Tronick explains. They鈥檙e important for growing children鈥檚 self-regulation, coping, and resilience. Through these mismatches鈥攊n small, manageable doses鈥攂abies, and later children, learn that the world does not track them perfectly. These small exposures to the micro-stress of unpleasant feelings, followed by the pleasant feelings that accompany repair, or coming back together, are what give them manageable practice in keeping their boat afloat when the waters are choppy. Put another way, if a caregiver met all of their child鈥檚 needs perfectly, it would actually get in the way of the child鈥檚 development.

鈥淩epairing ruptures is the most essential thing in parenting,鈥� says UCLA neuropsychiatrist , director of the Mindsight Institute and author of several books on interpersonal neurobiology.

Life is a series of mismatches, miscommunications, and misattunements that are quickly repaired, says , and then again become miscoordinated and stressful, and again are repaired. This occurs thousands of times in a day, and millions of times over a year.

Other  shows that children have more conflicts and repairs with friends than with non-friends.  is legendary; and adults鈥�  escalate when they become parents. If interpersonal conflict is unavoidable鈥攁nd even necessary鈥攖hen the only way we can maintain important relationships is to get better at re-synchronizing them, and especially at tending to repairs when they rupture.

鈥淩elationships shrink to the size of the field of repair,鈥� , psychologist and author of several books on the neuroscience of well-being. 鈥淏ut a bid for a repair is one of the sweetest and most vulnerable and important kinds of communication that humans offer to each other,鈥� he adds. 鈥淚t says you value the relationship.鈥�

Strengthening the Family Fabric

In a small Canadian , researchers examined how parents of 4- to 7-year-old children strengthened, harmed, or repaired their relationships with their children. Parents said their relationships with their children were strengthened by 鈥渉orizontal鈥� or egalitarian exchanges like playing together, negotiating, taking turns, compromising, having fun, or sharing psychological intimacy鈥攊n other words, respecting and enjoying one another. Their relationships were harmed by an over-reliance on power and authority, and especially by stonewalling tactics like the 鈥渟ilent treatment.鈥� When missteps happened, parents repaired and restored intimacy by expressing warmth and affection, talking about what happened, and apologizing.

This model of strengthening, harming, and repairing can help you think about your own interactions. When a family relationship is already positive, there is a foundation of trust and a belief in the other鈥檚 good intentions, which helps everyone restore more easily from minor ruptures. For this reason, it helps to proactively tend the fabric of family relationships.
鈥�
That can begin with simply building up an investment of positive interactions:

鈥� Spend 鈥渟pecial time鈥� with each child individually to create more space to deepen your one-to-one relationship. Let them control the agenda and decide how long you spend together.
鈥� Appreciate out loud, share gratitude reflections, and notice the good in your children intermittently throughout the day or week.

You also want to watch out for ways you might harm the relationship. If you鈥檙e ever unsure about a child鈥檚 motives, check their intentions behind their behaviors and don鈥檛 assume they were ill-intentioned. Language like, 鈥淚 noticed that鈥︹�� or 鈥淭ell me what happened鈥︹�� or 鈥淎nd then what happened?鈥� can help you begin to understand an experience from the child鈥檚 point of view.

When speaking to a child, consider how they might receive what you鈥檙e saying. Remember that words and silence have weight; children are 鈥溾�� and read your feelings much more than they process your words. If you are working through feelings or traumas that have nothing to do with them, take care to be responsible for your own feelings and take a moment to calm yourself before speaking.

In this context of connection and understanding, you can then create a family culture where rifts are expected and repairs are welcomed:

鈥� Watch for tiny . Sometimes we have so much on our minds that we miss the look, gesture, or expression in a child that shows that what they really want is to reconnect.
鈥� Normalize requests like 鈥淚 need a repair鈥� or 鈥淐an we have a redo?鈥� We need to be able to let others know when the relationship has been harmed.
鈥� Likewise, if you think you might have stepped on someone鈥檚 toes, circle back to check. Catching a misstep early can help.

When you鈥檙e annoyed by a family member鈥檚 behavior, try to frame your request for change in positive language; that is, say what you want them to do rather than what you don鈥檛. Language like, 鈥淚 have a request鈥︹�� or 鈥淲ould you be willing to鈥�?鈥� keeps the exchange more neutral and helps the recipient stay engaged rather than getting defensive.

You can also model healthy repairs with people around you, so they are normalized and children see their usefulness in real time.  when they watch adults resolve conflict constructively.鈥�

Four Steps to an Authentic Repair

There are infinite varieties of repairs, and they can vary in many ways, depending on your child鈥檚 age and temperament, and how serious the rift was.

Infants need physical contact and the restoration of love and security. Older children need affection and more words. Teenagers may need more complex conversations. Individual children vary in their styles鈥攕ome need more words than others, and what is hurtful to one child may not faze another child. Also, your style might not match the child鈥檚, requiring you to stretch further.

Some glitches are little and may just need a check-in, but deeper wounds need more attention. Keep the apology in proportion to the hurt. What鈥檚 important is not your judgment of how hurt someone should be, but the actual felt experience of the child鈥檚 hurt. A one-time apology may suffice, but some repairs need to be acknowledged frequently over time to really stitch that fabric back together. It鈥檚 often helpful to check in later to see if the amends are working.

While each repair is unique, authentic repairs typically involve the same steps.

1. Acknowledge the offense. First, try to understand the hurt you caused. It doesn鈥檛 matter if it was unintentional or what your reasons were. This is the time to turn off your own defense system and focus on understanding and naming the other person鈥檚 pain or anger.

Sometimes you need to check your understanding. Begin slowly: 鈥淒id I hurt you? Help me understand how.鈥� This can be humbling and requires that we listen with an open heart as we take in the other person鈥檚 perspective.

Try not to undermine the apology by adding on any caveats, like blaming the child for being sensitive or ill-behaved or deserving of what happened. Any attempt to gloss over, minimize, or dilute the wound is not an authentic repair. Children have a keen sense for authenticity. Faking it or overwhelming them will not work.

A spiritual teacher reminded me of an old saying, 鈥淚t is acknowledging the wound that gets the thorn out.鈥� It鈥檚 what reconnects our humanity.

2. Express remorse. Here, a sincere 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry鈥� is sufficient.

Don鈥檛 add anything to it. One of the mistakes adults often make, according to therapist and author , is to tack on a discipline component: 鈥淒on鈥檛 let it happen again,鈥� or 鈥淣ext time, you鈥檙e really going to get it.鈥� This, says Lerner, is what prevents children from learning to use apologies themselves.

Apologizing can be tricky for adults. It might feel beneath us, or we may fear that we鈥檙e giving away our power. We shouldn鈥檛 have to apologize to a child, because as adults we are always right, right? Of course not. But it鈥檚 easy to get stuck in a vertical power relationship to our child that makes backtracking hard.

On the other hand, some adults鈥攅specially women, says 鈥攃an go overboard and be too effusive, too obsequious, or even too quick in their efforts to apologize. This can make the apology more about yourself than the person who was hurt. Or it could be a symptom of a need for one鈥檚 own boundary work.   

There is no perfect formula for an apology except that it be delivered in a way that acknowledges the wound and makes amends. And there can be different paths to that. Our family sometimes uses a jokey, 鈥淵ou were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong, you were right, I was wrong,鈥� to playfully acknowledge light transgressions. Some apologies are nonverbal: My father atoned for missing all of my childhood birthdays when he traveled 2,000 miles to surprise me at my doorstep for an adult birthday. Words are not his strong suit, but his planning, effort, and showing up was the repair. Apologies can take on all kinds of tones and qualities.

3. Consider offering a brief explanation. If you sense that the other person is open to listening, you can provide a brief explanation of your point of view, but use caution, as this can be a slippery slope. Feel into how much is enough. The focus of the apology is on the wounded person鈥檚 experience. If an explanation helps, fine, but it shouldn鈥檛 derail the intent. This is not the time to add in your own grievances鈥攖hat鈥檚 a conversation for a different time.

4. Express your sincere intention to fix the situation and to prevent it from happening again. With a child, especially, try to be concrete and actionable about how the same mistake can be prevented in the future. 鈥淚鈥檓 going to try really hard to鈥︹�� and 鈥淟et鈥檚 check back in to see how it鈥檚 feeling鈥︹�� can be a start.

Remember to forgive yourself, too. This is a tender process, we are all works in progress, and adults are still developing. I know I am.

Before our visit, my daughter and I had a phone conversation. We shared our excitement about the rare chance to spend so much time together. Then we gingerly expressed our concerns.

 鈥淚鈥檓 afraid we鈥檒l get on each other鈥檚 nerves,鈥� I said.

鈥淚鈥檓 afraid I鈥檒l be cooking and cleaning the whole time,鈥� she replied.

So we strategized about preventing these foibles. She made a spreadsheet of chores where everyone signed up for a turn cooking and cleaning, and we discussed the space needs that people would have for working and making phone calls.

Then I drew a breath and took a page from the science. 鈥淚 think we have to expect that conflicts are going to happen,鈥� I said. 鈥淚t鈥檚 how we work through them that will matter. The love is in the repair.鈥�

This article is excerpted from a longer  on Diana Divecha鈥檚 blog, developmentalscience.com. It has been published here with permission.