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Recently at dinner, my neighbor鈥檚 5-year-old grandson Taylor watched me sit down and said to his grandpa, at full volume, 鈥淗a-ha, she鈥檚 even fatter than me! She鈥檚 fat.鈥� He finished with emphasis, looking at me out of the corner of his eye, because clearly those statements were for me too. Grandfather, along with two others at the dinner table, did that pullback, that sucking up of air and saying nothing, that we鈥檝e all learned to do in awkward social moments.

I know this child鈥攏ot well, but I鈥檝e had meals with him before, seen him in the neighborhood. He鈥檚 never called me fat before, but who knows? Maybe he was bored and looking for a bit of entertainment. He seemed to want to amuse himself with adult discomfort or perhaps just with my shame.

Though he was talking to his grandfather, trying to find an accomplice in the joke, I said, 鈥淗ey, Taylor, did you just call me fat?鈥� And he turned to me, with a little bit of fear on his face because, whoa, this isn鈥檛 how it鈥檚 supposed to go. I was also speaking at full volume, for the other diners to hear. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 think there鈥檚 anything wrong with being called fat, because it鈥檚 not bad to be fat. But you know what? Some people think that鈥檚 an insult word, so maybe you shouldn鈥檛 go calling someone fat. Better wait until you hear people call themselves fat. Then you know they鈥檙e OK with it, and then you can use that word too. Otherwise, you might hurt someone鈥檚 feelings. You鈥檙e not hurting my feelings, though. Fat is just one of the ways bodies can be. So what?鈥�

His mouth hung open for a moment, staring at me. One of the other diners, relieved, said, 鈥淲ow, that was a really good answer.鈥�

I nodded and added, speaking to her (but also so that young Taylor could hear), 鈥淲ell, some people have learned that being fat is shameful. That鈥檚 why everyone goes silent when a kid says something like that. It鈥檚 good to show them that there鈥檚 no shame needed.鈥�

Grandfather raised his eyebrows, impressed, then turned to Taylor and said, a bit tauntingly, 鈥淪he got no shame for you!鈥� Taylor鈥檚 mouth still hung open. 鈥淵ou want to know what shame is?鈥� he continued. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 when you鈥檙e caught stealing something at the store and everyone sees you get caught. That鈥檚 when you feel shame.鈥�

I鈥檓 not sure what Taylor was absorbing at that point. He may鈥檝e been thinking, 鈥淲ow, sometimes you pipe up and everything takes a hard right turn!鈥� That鈥檚 for sure, kid.

Kids learn from reflection and from trial and error just like adults. There鈥檚 certainly no fast track, though. A little while later, he called his grandfather 鈥渙ld man鈥� in a pointed tone meant to hurt. I gave him the 鈥淚 see you鈥� eyes after he said it, but I didn鈥檛 speak. I knew Taylor to be very smart and mouthy and forever fidgety at a dinner table. My grandson and Taylor are the same age. Though my first reflex might be to feel smug for how much better behaved he is than Taylor and how his parents definitely taught him not to feel or throw body shame, it鈥檚 not like he鈥檚 perfect. He could also poke a friend and say of someone else sitting at the same table, 鈥淗e鈥檚 fat!鈥� (or 鈥渟tupid鈥� or 鈥渉as slits for eyes鈥� or 鈥渉as stinky feet鈥� or 鈥渆ats salt for dinner鈥濃�攐r, or, or). Sure, he could, at 5. And everyone learns that it鈥檚 possible to elevate oneself by putting someone else down in a clever way. And if he learns that others will collude with put-downs and that he can feel a sense of belonging by creating an inside joke about someone else, it鈥檚 not just possible. It鈥檚 likely. Furthermore, he could do that at school and never admit to being that kind of person at the dinner table with his parents who don鈥檛 approve of body shaming.

When my son was 5, I overheard him with some neighborhood friends as they played a game on our patio. They were talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was the biggest show on TV at the time. They were reminiscing about their favorite episodes, and my son chimed in with his favorite episode too. Blow-by-blow.

One thing puzzled me. We didn鈥檛 have a TV. I asked him later where he鈥檇 seen that show, and he shrugged and said he鈥檇 never seen it. When I told him what I鈥檇 overheard, he looked at me, sweet-faced as ever and said, 鈥淥h, when I heard other kids talking about the show, I memorized what they said so I could tell the story again the next time kids were talking about it. Everyone talks about it. I want to talk about it too.鈥� I nodded. That made sense.

The woman seated next to me at the dinner table when Taylor commented on my being fat鈥攐ne of the people who recoiled in silent horror when he said it鈥攊s a kindergarten teacher. She鈥檚 also the one who said I gave a really good answer. After Taylor turned his attention elsewhere, she told me that she has seen children in her class say this sort of thing, trying to make another child feel bad. She said she never knew what to say. Really? I thought. Even though a person has children or works with children, somehow one may never find an adequate response. And maybe that means we aren鈥檛 really looking for one. Kids learn that there鈥檚 power in befuddling adults. Just like there鈥檚 power to be gained in successfully hurting another person鈥檚 feelings. It鈥檚 a sad kind of power, but it鈥檚 power nonetheless. Taylor was definitely puffed up in that small moment when everyone fell uncomfortably silent before I spoke.

I鈥檓 also thinking about the wording in Taylor鈥檚 specific comment. 鈥淪he鈥檚 even fatter than me.鈥� He鈥檚 not a fat child at all, though I鈥檝e seen him put away some dessert鈥攆our brownies that very night鈥攕o I imagine people have threatened him with becoming fat. 鈥淨uit eating those, or you鈥檒l get fat.鈥� That鈥檚 the sort of thing people tell kids all the time. Still, this is a sophisticated game Taylor had already learned to play well before his sixth birthday. Not only is he controlling adult behavior, albeit briefly, and not only is he bonding with someone over the put-down of another, and not only does he know which things to say to shame a grown woman, he knows how to ameliorate his own image in the process.

While most adults put aside direct put-downs in favor of subtler shade, many adults still think that if they put themselves down too, they鈥檙e not really being meanies to include others in the insult. It鈥檚 one of the ways that fat people themselves can perpetuate fat hatred at the same time that they seek community. 鈥淐鈥檓on,鈥� that kind of inclusionary insult says. 鈥淲e鈥檙e all big and gross. I鈥檒l admit it before you throw it in my face鈥攁nd pull you in while I鈥檓 at it.鈥� My mother still uses the kind of insult Taylor used, regarding food. She鈥檚 not fat either. Recently we were eating oatmeal and after spooning brown sugar into her own steaming bowl, she looked over and compared it to the color of my oatmeal. She said, 鈥淲ow, I put more sugar in my cereal than everyone . . . except you.鈥� We were the only two people at the table. I took a deep breath and replied simply, 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 put any sugar in mine. It鈥檚 dark chocolate.鈥� She sat upright in surprise, and without missing her volley, replied. 鈥淥h! Well, if you want to have chocolate for breakfast, I suppose that makes sense.鈥� No one could call her a bully. No sirree.

That Taylor鈥檚 a smart kid. I鈥檒l bet you know some like him. One of the best things about parenting (and grandparenting) is the constant opportunity to up our own game. And we get to choose which game it is, and what we鈥檙e teaching. Whenever there鈥檚 a silence after an insult like Taylor鈥檚 or about any unspoken bias鈥攍ike when a kid innocently comments on someone鈥檚 race or social class鈥攚e can pay attention. Make a mental note. And then, talk that stuff through with peers so that we invent the answers that teach something positive the next time. We rarely have the perfect comeback when we鈥檙e surprised.

But why be surprised by things that are said or intimated again and again? I鈥檓 certainly not surprised when someone speaks ill of fat. It happens all the time; Taylor鈥檚 comment, at least, was clear and direct. Teachers should plan ahead for touchy topics too. And if you think that鈥檚 not their business鈥攕tick to the lesson plan鈥攖hink again. If we want kids to learn math, they鈥檒l focus better if they don鈥檛 feel shamed (or like they need to plan their next attack). That鈥檚 all I did when I spoke up. I had invented a better answer, and I delivered it with clear, calm eye contact. Everyone at the table felt relief, and hopefully Taylor learned something. At the very least, he added a new response to the possible repertoire of answers adults can give.

Beginning in childhood, I was handed the same shame every fat person has been handed. And for the first part of my life, I carried it. Then I learned to put it down. And then I learned to talk about it. You can too. If we want kids to grow up and take responsibility for their words and actions, then it鈥檚 time adults do it more ourselves.

This excerpt from  by Kimberly Dark (AK Press, 2019) appears by permission of the publisher.

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